Understanding Sexual Desire

No two people have the exact same desire to do anything – from how often to go out to dinner to how often to have sex. If couples realize that this inequality of desire to do any activity is normal, they’ll be on their way to answering the question, “How to save my relationship?”

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A major source of tension for committed couples is the pressure to have the same level of sexual desire. Since no two brains or hearts are alike, it’s not possible: there will always be one partner who has a lower or higher level of desire. The challenge is how to have a satisfying sex life for both partners.

When couples realize that they don’t have an equal desire for sex, they sometimes jump to the wrong conclusion, namely that they’ve chosen the wrong person. They falsely think that the right partner would want sex just as much as they do. This belief will not lead them to learn how to save a relationship. Neither position, whether it be high or low, feels good, but the push/pull dynamic in a long-term relationship is the way it’s supposed to be. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. There’s nothing defective about you whether you’re identified as high or low.

Here are two important facts that will revolutionize your understanding of sexual desire:

1. The stereotype that the male is always the high desire partner is completely unfounded. High and low desire positions exist in every long-term relationship, be it gay or straight.Levels of sexual desire are not gender specific.
2. Desire positions are relative. This means that you might have been the high desire partner in a past relationship, but in your present one, you’re the low-desire partner. None of us is born with low or high sexual desire. It all depends with whom we decide to have a long-term relationship.

Once you understand that everything is going right instead of wrong, that the interplay of low and high desire is perfectly normal, you can stop trying to coerce your partner into being like you, low or high. And when you give up being polarized, you might be able to soften your rigid position and become more fluid and balanced — sometimes low and sometimes high.

No longer being entrenched and inflexible in your desire position is sexually liberating. Knowing that high and low sexual desire positions are part of a long-term relationship will help you know how to save your relationship instead of wanting to break-up and move on to someone you think might be more sexually compatible.