Trusting Yourself

Physical safety has to exist for a relationship to thrive, but emotional safety doesn’t except inside yourself. If you are asking, “How can I save my relationship?” take a close look at how you cultivate self-trust. YOU must be the person you trust the most. Are you capable of doing what you say you are going to do?

Trust in your partner is broken and rebuilt on a regular basis. For example, what if you told your partner a secret that he/she divulged to a friend? Whether it was on purpose or not, can you trust him/her again? Believe it or not, you can – if you can become resilient.

Here's a mundane example

One day my husband ran out of his favorite shaving soap. I offered to pick up more. After a number of days, I still had not done it and he said, “I can’t trust that you’ll actually go shopping and get me that soap. You said you would last week. When are you going? Or shall I go and get it?” He had a legitimate gripe. He wanted something and I told him I’d get it for him, but I didn’t. Whether I forgot to, was too busy, or was being passive-aggressive, the result was the same – my husband didn’t have the soap I told him I would get.

I can say I’m sorry. I can ask him to forgive me and I can forgive myself. But is building and destroying trust about forgiveness – or about honesty? If I’m really honest and ask myself, “Do I do what I say I’m going to do?” The answer is “Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t”.

My husband has to handle his own anxieties about when he’s going to get his favorite soap, but I want to be someone he can count on. I also want to give myself room to be human, not perfect and not beat myself up about making mistakes.

How could I have handled this situation differently? Here’s where the resiliency comes in. I could have apprised him of what was going on for me. It might have gone something like this –“Hey, I’m not going to be able to get that soap that you wanted until next week. I thought I’d have time, but I don’t. Is that still okay with you?”

Sometimes when I feel that I should have done something, I feel ashamed and that feeling compromises my integrity. I end up acting like a child, wanting to cover-up and self-protect. This immature strategy always backfires and is not the path to how to save a relationship.

The more you show up for yourself and come through for yourself, the more you’ll be that way for your partner. If you are chronically not following through, then you’ll have to figure out why. Once in a while, you will mess up, everyone does, but if you can’t trust yourself, your partner won’t either.

The relationship with yourself is the most important of all, and the one that sets the tone for all the relationships in your life. How does this manifest for you?