Are Apologies Important in a Relationship?

In the hit movie, Love Story, produced in 1970 when I was 18 years old, the only memorable line was,“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” At the time I thought it was romantic yet unrealistic; but now, after 37 years of marriage, I think it just might be true.

You do many hurtful things in a relationship that you need and should say you’re sorry for, but forgiveness isn’t what matters. Remorse and compassion matter.

Here’s an example:

In my marriage I’ve had to examine my passive-aggressive behavior about making my husband wait for me. I’m not late for appointments I’ve made with others, but I’m not punctual if I’ve made a date with my husband. How could I be so narcissistic? Until I could feel remorse, which is more than regret, I made no changes because sorry was just too easy to say and not mean.

Here’s the thesaurus.com definition of remorse: “Regret carries no explicit admission that one is responsible for an incident, while remorse implies a sense of guilty responsibility and a greater feeling of personal pain and anguish.” I couldn’t admit what I had been doing for decades until I felt the responsibility of remorse, which is so much more than a superficial apology.

To deal with my guilt, I needed to cultivate compassion. Here’s dictionary.com’s definition of compassion: “Feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.” I was the one who inflicted the pain because of my lack of punctuality. After feeling remorse for my actions, self-compassion was essential. Then I could feel compassion for my husband, whom I repeatedly disrespected by making him wait around for me while I finished up all the “important” things I had to do.

You don’t save your relationship by uttering hollow apologetic sorries. Every couple, bar none, participates in unacceptable behavior that needs lasting change. The two-pronged path of remorse and compassion are how to get back on track to loving your partner.